[Dhamma talk] Stress

This dhamma talk was taught by Sayadaw U Jotika on 23-02-1997.

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There are some people living very simply in some parts of the world, but they are not voluntary. Give them a chance and they will collect more and more things. They will make their life more and more complicated. There are many places in Burma very far away in the mountains, where people live in simple huts. They have one pot to cook everything in. They put rice and beans and vegetables and everything in one pot and cook. And then they have one spoon for the whole family. Dip the spoon, eat it. Put the spoon back. Another member take the spoon, eat it and put the spoon back. They sit around the pot, sit around the fire sometimes, and with one spoon and one pot that the whole meal. But give them a chance to have more and they will have more. Because it’s not voluntary. They are forced to live like that, but they are quite happy actually. Very surprising. I went, I tried to go into places like that just to find out how differently people are living in different parts of the world and how they feel and think about their life. So, I live among them and try to learn from them.

You see, when your son is grown up, give him a basket and a knife. That’s all. He will look after himself. Go into forest and try to find things to eat. Try to collect things, vegetables and other things, roots, like potatoes, wild potatoes, I think. I don’t know whether they call it potatoes or not, but you can boil and eat that. Sometimes they’re very big. Sometimes they can be as big as this. Something like a potato, but doesn’t taste like potato. I don’t know what they call that. Oh I see. So, they dig them up, and then they come and they store that a lot in their home. Boil and eat. They grow some crops, crops like wild rice. I don’t know the names. Some kind of cereals. Very hard. They make wine from that too. They cook that and then eat that. Very simple, but very hard too. Surprisingly, they laugh a lot. These people, they laugh a lot. Whenever 2 or 3 get together, they will be laughing. Don’t know what they are laughing about. Surprising… So, life is becoming more and more complicated and more and more stressful in this modern and busy world. So, if you are mindful, you can arrange your life so that it doesn’t become so complicated and so stressful.

So, today I would like to talk some things about your life. So, I’ve been a monk for 23 years. So, although I have many friends and I know what they are doing and how they are living their life, I know their worries and their cares, their sufferings and how stressful they are living their life. Because I’m not living their life, I don’t think I really understand them. I try my best to understand people. But you have to be that person to understand how to be that person. So anyway, I try my best to understand. So, I know that a lot of people have a lot of stress in their life, and some people come to meditate just because of that, and it’s a good reason to do that to you. Many people said that, “oh, you should not practice meditation just to relax”. But for myself too, I started meditating not because I want to attain any kind of super mundane consciousness. I didn’t understand anything when I was young. And I read some things about these things, but actually I didn’t want them. I didn’t want to become an Arahant. It’s too young to understand what it means. I didn’t want to attain Nibbana, too young to understand what it means. I just want to live a happy life. And even that, I don’t really know what it means by happy life. Very difficult to understand what happiness means and how to get that happiness and how to make it last. How to make your happiness last? It comes and goes away.

So, there’s another kind of happiness which you find by meditating. And if you can maintain your meditation, you can feel happy. But if you stop meditating, you’re back into the hell again, suffering again. So, one of my friends said, if you meditate one hour a day, you can maintain your sanity. But if you stop meditating regularly, even for one hour a day, you are heading toward insanity. So unknowingly, we lose our clarity of our mind, we lose our understanding, and we become very deluded. And we do things that are unwholesome. We make wrong decisions. So, to meditate and to feel calm and peaceful is the first stage of meditation. If you can maintain that calmness and peacefulness every day, you maintain your sanity. You make less mistakes. You are not biased. You can see from many different angles and make the right decisions. And even when you meet people who are annoying because you feel calm and relaxed inside, you don’t react automatically. If you have… Already, if you are stressed and angry and upset, a small thing that somebody said or did, without any intention even, can blow you up. And mostly those of your family members. You hurt your family members more than anybody else. Because with strangers you have to strain yourself. You have to control. You can’t say anything that you like, you can’t do. You don’t even show that you are angry or upset. So, the more you control yourself like that, when you come and find somebody on whom you can dump the whole thing you can’t control, you just dump the whole thing. “Don’t you know I’m working so hard?” “You are annoying so much.” “You’re ungrateful” like that. You hurt people.

Because when you come home, anybody, a mother or a father or a wife or a husband or children, they need you. They want your attention. They want your care, your love. But you are too stressful to give. You don’t want to do… You can’t do that anymore. You are too stressful. You are empty. You are dried up inside. So, only when you have full metta inside, then it can overflow. Only if you have peacefulness inside, full, it can overflow. And it can go to another person. If you are dried up inside, you cannot make another person happy. You cannot be a loving, kind person, although you want to. You have very good intention to be a loving and kind person, but you cannot. So, to become a loving and kind person, first we need to be peaceful, cheerful. So many people told me that after they meditated and they become calm and peaceful, spontaneously they love most people, especially their families, which is quite natural. Then they really begin to love. So, without meditating, I don’t think it is possible to truly love even yourself. And for others, it’s very difficult. And we see that, “well, I love myself”. Can you prove that? Try to prove that.

Try to find out what are you doing? What the kind of things that you are doing to yourself? Many unkind things you are doing to yourself. Many harmful things you’re doing to yourself. Even when you eat food, you eat junk food. I mean, not cheap in particular. Most of the people, they don’t think about what they are eating, what they are putting into their system. They just think about what it tastes like, to taste, and the smell only. So, they listen to their nose and their tongue. They don’t listen to their stomach. They don’t listen to their body, what their body is telling them. So, when you say that “while I eat good food because I love myself” and you are eating junk food, that doesn’t mean that you love yourself. That means that you are craving for taste and smell. So, when you really love yourself, you understand what is really agreeable for you. You try to find out. You ask your body. Also, you learn from books too, from other people too. What is really agreeable, healthy for my body.

So, to really love, you need wisdom. You need sensitivity. So, whenever you eat something, relax and ask your body, ask your tummy. It will tell you quite a lot, quite a lot whether you have eaten the right food or the right amount. If you eat too much, your tummy tells you “Too bad I’m suffering. Don’t do that anymore”. But you don’t listen. You eat stuff more and more. Because, you see, people are so unfulfilled, unloved inside that they tried to do something that would make them feel fulfilled. And the easiest thing is to put something into your mouth. Fill up. Fill up. So, when you eat something, you feel like you’re doing something good. You feel like you are, you feel satisfied for a while. So, people, who are not satisfied in the way they are living are not satisfied in their relationship, not satisfied in being who they are, try to find satisfaction in food and other entertainments and in drugs too, the same thing. So, when you meditate and become really calm and peaceful and satisfied for just being, you don’t go out and indulge in anything at all. In fact, you don’t like indulging any more. It’s very tiring. Even to eat, it’s very stressful.

So, be sensitive to your body and mind. It can teach you quite a lot. Be mindful. So, the ability to handle stress is one of the talents that can play a key role in helping you enhance the quality of your life. So, try to meditate, try to relax and calm down. So, this is very important. I am repeatedly saying the same thing again and again, because most people forget that. Most people want to do something, achieve something, attain something. That will come later. But in the beginning, relax, become very peaceful and calm. Enjoy that peace and calm. So, every time you meditate, first relax. Relax your body and mind. So, in quite detail I talk about that on Thursday and another Thursday too. But even though it is of such crucial importance for success in life, it is amazing how few professions make the ability to cope with stress and fear key issues in the educational curricula, and how little attention is paid to this object in raising children and shaping their personalities. So, very few people pay attention. Parents don’t pay attention or don’t teach their children to calm down and to be peaceful.

But there are few parents, very wise parents, who let their children come and sit with them to meditate. So, I know a real story. It’s about a woman in England. In fact, I read that in her newsletter published from Cittras Monastery in England. So, in that pamphlet, in that newsletter, this woman, a mother, she wrote her own story. She said she learned meditation. And so, she meditated. But when she meditate, she light a candle, depending on the length of the candle, if she wants to meditate for half an hour, she knows how long the candle needs to be to burn for half an hour. So, she cut the candle and light the candle. It makes you feel happy to. You offer the candle to the Buddha offering light, and you sit. And she sat and meditated, meditating. And she has two daughters. So, they were playing in a garden. It could be on Sunday. So, after a while the daughters came upstairs and found the mother sitting there very quietly, not moving, eyes closed. They have never seen the mother sitting and meditating like that before. So, they were very curious. And one asked another, “what is mom doing?” The younger one said, “Seems like she’s asleep”. Another one said, “no, no, no, she couldn’t be asleep. Because when you sleep, you lie down. She’s sitting there, not asleep, and there is a candle burning.” So, the mother was thinking, “well, what should I do?” Get out of meditation and explain this to them. Then she decided, “no, later. I’ll explain them later.” So, she sat and meditated. And then the children, quietly, they went downstairs and went to play. Later, when they saw the mother came out of the meditation place, they asked, “what were you doing, mom?” She said, “I was meditating”. And so, the children asked, “what do you do when you meditate?” “Well, you sit very relaxed and very dignified posture, sit straight. You breathe in deeply. Be mindful of incoming breath. Breathe out deeply and be mindful of outgoing breath. You feel the air coming in. You feel the air going out. And when you do that very mindfully, with all your attention, you don’t think too much. Normally, naturally, thinking gets less and less. You become very calm and peaceful. So, if you do that for a long, long time, you become more and more calm, more and more peaceful, more and more happy and cheerful.” So, I think the children sense that their mother become more and more peaceful, more and more cheerful, more and more attentive, more loving, more giving.

So, when you are peaceful, you really want to give. You really want to share that. You want to make other people peaceful. So, in that story, the children said, “can we meditate to you, mom?” And the mother said, “of course you can. Anybody can”. And they said, “is it hard to do that?” “No, it’s not hard. It’s quite simple, quite natural. Even a young kid of about 5 or 6 can do that”. So, the next time the mother said, “now I’m going to meditate. If you like to, you can just sit near me.” And they say, “yes, yes, they want to do that”. So, you see, children are very curious. They want to experiment. They want to do what older people are doing. They like that. They enjoy that. And if you treat them like that, they feel that they are honored because you are letting them do what you are doing. So, they feel very honored, very happy about that. But the mother, she is very wise person. She said, “I will sit as long as I want to sit, and you can sit as long as you want to sit. So, sit like this. Breathe in deeply. Breathe out deeply. Keep your mind there. And if you want to go, get up and go. You can get up very quietly and go any time you like”. No forcing. So, the children sat near the mother, the mother there sitting, meditating. And after a while the children got up very quietly and left. And then they do that again and again, almost every day. After a while, the elder one really got into that. She really felt very happy and peaceful. The younger one, sometimes she felt happy. Sometimes she wants to go and play. It’s natural for that.

And then later, when the mother went to the meditation center, she took the children too. Just for the day, like this Sunday. And they met a teacher, sometimes they meet the monk. And the mother talked with the teacher, with the monk, asked questions. And this elder daughter also, she wanted to ask questions. But she said, “mom, can I ask some questions?” She said yes. You asked permission to ask questions and ask. And so, this young child went to the teacher and asked questions about meditation. And later her mother took a retreat. And then the daughter said, “can I join you? And take the retreat”. My mother said, “this is a long time retreat, but I will arrange for you to take a shorter one when you have a holiday”. So, the mother tried to arrange for that and went with the daughter to meditate together, to the meditation center. So, this is a good mother. You train your children like that, not forcing, just letting them do, letting them get interested. So, they train the daughter slowly and slowly to become a good meditator. And later the younger daughter also joined the meditation retreats just 2 or 3 days weekend retreats. And when she met her friends, other friends, they noticed that these children behave in a very quiet and mature way, not intimidated, not shy, not… How do I say that? Not shy… Another word for that. Not afraid of anybody, but very clear, very cheerful, very peaceful. Even the way they look at people, they have more attention in whatever they do, whatever they see. And their friends asked this person, “how did you train your children?” And she said, “they meditate”. Then the friend asked her, “how did you teach them to meditate?” The mother said, “I didn’t teach them to meditate. They want to meditate. So, they sit with me. So, I told them this simple instruction, and we do together”. If you tell them, go and meditate, they won’t do. If you tell them, come and sit with me and meditate, they will. And then, when they want to ask questions, the mother took the children to the teacher. She answered as much as she could. But whenever she couldn’t answer the questions, she took the children to the teachers. So, the children, although they are very young, they get to know the teacher very well. And the teacher also gave them a very clear answer, clear instructions. So, they grew up very peaceful, mature, intelligent, creative children.

So, when you meditate, you become more and more creative. You develop your qualities. You become more sensitive. So, this is necessary. And also, I heard that in the company, IBM company, the company organized retreats for the workers and pay for that. The company pay for the retreat. Because the company found that out. When the workers, the employees, they meditate, they do better work. They become more creative. So, the company paid for that. So, I think every home, every school, every company should do that, help the people to meditate more, so that they become less stressful. They can cope with more problems. They can take more responsibilities. Their decisions will have… They will make good decisions, right decisions, less mistakes. And even if they make mistakes, they will learn from the mistakes. Because meditators are more open, they are not so defensive. When we become too defensive, we don’t learn from our mistakes. We just try to justify that, “no, this is not a mistake. This is right.” Because we are not secure enough to admit that we made a mistake and we we are not willing to learn from our mistakes. So, meditators learn from their daily life. This is very, very important. Most of us think that our daily life is so boring and so meaningless. We can’t learn anything from our daily life, our daily life. We don’t really learn from that.

Only once in a while, when something extraordinary happened, then we sit and think about it. “What have I done wrong?” And if we have done a serious mistake, we try to do what is necessary to do. But in most cases, we don’t learn from our daily lives. But I found out that good meditators learn from very small things happening in their daily life, daily life. They can see deep meanings in their daily life. So, they live their daily life with so much interest and joy. So, although most of us, our daily life seems so ordinary and routine, if you meditate, you can get interested in that. For example, as a monk, we live here, even here, I live in my room most of the time, locked inside. Sometimes, I go out and walk. Somebody might think that such a life, nothing happening. You come out and eat and go back into your room and come out and eat and go back into your room. Then, go out for a walk here and there, walking up and down, up and down, going nowhere. Where is happiness? Where is joy? It’s deep inside. You don’t need to go out to the pleasure park to be happy. And when you meet somebody, you talk with that person, you really listen. You learn. Some people came yesterday too. And they came to ask me questions and learn from me. But I ended up learning from him. He taught me quite a lot.

So, you can learn something from almost anybody, if you are willing to, if you are sensitive. Those people are doing things that you have not done. They know something that you don’t know. If you are willing to learn, they are willing to tell you. And you share what you have, what you learn with them and he will share what he learned with you. Sharing, giving and taking knowledge, understanding, friendship, trust. And this person also is very happy. He said he’ll come back again and talk. And I’m also very happy to talk with a meditator, a sensible person, a sensitive person, an honest person. It’s a great joy.

The inability to cope with stress leads to demoralization. What does that mean? So, when things become very stressful and we cannot cope it, we feel inadequate. We feel that we have no ability to cope with that. So, you feel very bad about that, “I’m not able to do this. I don’t have this ability”. So, that is very demoralizing and paralysis. You don’t know what to do. You stop doing. So, I know many people like that, even in Burma, they stop doing everything. They can’t even think anymore. It was too stressful. One person, he was a bank director, and when things became very, very complicated, he was afraid to go to the bank meetings. Because every time he go there, they have problems. Things are getting worse and worse and they don’t know what to do. Maybe they will go bankrupt. So much fear and so much stress. He broke down. He won’t go to work anymore. So, things like that happened to many people.

So, what each and every one of us needs is the ability to remain calm, cool and collected. Three C’s: Calm, cool, collected. So, first we learn to be calm and cool and collected in a meditation center, in a meditation hall, in some place which is very peaceful and develop that ability and slowly and slowly carry this calm, cool and collected state of mind to everywhere you go, to your work. Learn to do that. Because if what we do here doesn’t affect our life there, then it’s not really useful. Then, the only way for us to be peaceful is to come and sit here all day, all night, not go out anywhere. So, just come here, meditate, learn to relax, learn to become calm and cool and collected. And take this calm and cool and collected state of your mind as much as possible while you are going back in your car, back to home, back to work and see if you can maintain that to a certain level. After a while, you’ll, you’ll be able to maintain that more and more.

So, I know many people doing that. I have thousands of friends and they are hard working people. And they tell me again and again that the more they meditate, the easier their life becomes and the more they can work. They can cope with more workload, not less. So, I talk about one of my friend who is a project manager engineer. H e’s taking the whole project, very big responsibility, millions of dollars, is working in Singapore. Another one is working in Rangoon. So, the ability to remain calm, cool and collected even while under great physical and psychological stress. It is very stressful, physical and psychological to make the right decisions. So, whenever you have to make a big decision, first calm down, if you can, if you have time. Try to find time to calm down a little bit. And then, make a decision. “To handle a huge workload and to stay in a good frame of mind”… Good frame of mind. You try to be mindful always. So, practice mini meditations, not mega meditations for many days, although it is good to do. But mini meditations. Try to take a break of a couple of minutes in your work. Just put down your pen and everything. Just sit, meditate for a few minutes. Just 1 or 2 minutes, relax, calm down a little bit. Try to do that. Many friends tell me that every time they do that, 1 or 2 minutes, every hour, after every hour, they try to meditate for 1 or 2 minutes only, and at the end of the day they find out that they were less stressful, more cheerful.

“Stress and worry are central elements of human existence”. Yes, central elements. We can’t do away with stress and worries. It will be in our life, more or less. Even monks have stress and worries. But he tried to maintain to make it less, as low as possible, the level of stress as low as possible. Even to sit here and talk is less stressful. Try to do that, talk for an hour and see how stressful it could be. But you learn to do that slowly and slowly. So, if you enjoy doing something, even though it’s a little bit stressful, it makes you happy and joy, so that it doesn’t hurt you. A certain amount of stress does not hurt you. You need that to to do something. Whenever you do something, it is stressful. So, from the beginning of our life, we start with stress to be in the womb of the mother. You don’t need to eat. You don’t need to breathe. The temperature also is perfect. You don’t even feel your body weight. You are in a liquid, so nice. But as soon as you’re born, that process is very, very stressful, scary. You are going out into the world, something unknown, unfamiliar. And you have to breathe from your own nose, and you have to eat from your own mouth. And you have to endure heat and cold and insects and pain. Very stressful. So, don’t expect a life with no stress, but learn to cope with stress and learn to keep it down as much as possible.

So, “stress and worry are central elements of human existence”. Worries are so ever present that we simply have to learn to live with them. Until you become an Anāgāmi, you will have worries. So, don’t expect that now, but learn to understand how the mind works, why it is so worrying, what kind of thoughts you are thinking all day long. So, in the beginning, just to see what you are thinking the whole day, then try to control. Don’t try to push them away. Just watch, just like watching cars going on a road, one after another, no control, no judgement. Just knowing what is happening. Just try to do that. It will have great effect on your mind and slowly and slowly a lot of those thoughts will slow down and go away. So, just pay more and more attention.

“Each and every one of us is so subject to stress and worry that we need principles of philosophy and of strategy”. So, principles of philosophy is a word very big, to understand the bigger picture of your life, which means look at the big picture of your life. You are born, you grow up, you learn, you do many things and then you die. What is the meaning of that? If you look at just one life, sometimes it is very hard to understand what it means. It seems like there is no meaning at all. Born, grow up, learn, work, get married, get children, grow old and die. What is there? No meaning? But if you really try, you’ll find that this life is not the only life. You need to take time to find that out for yourself. Although you can read this in many books and you know that there are many previous lives, there will be more lives to come. This is not the only life. But if you really find out more and more deeply, it will have more effect on your life. It is not thinking anymore, very hard to say this. Because when I was young, vaguely, I felt that I lived before, in a certain way, in certain places. Because I have feelings that I don’t know where they are coming from. I was born in this culture, in this family, and I go to this school. But I have thoughts and feelings which are not related to my present life. It’s very hard to understand. Nobody to talk with. But slowly and slowly, I learned that these thoughts and feelings are about what I did in my previous life and what I want to do in this life.

So, I try to find out more about reincarnation. To use the familiar word, rebirth actually is the better word. And I found many people who remember their past lives, and with some of them I lived together many years. So, I found out that this is really true. And I want to know how to find out more about this. So, actually that changed my life. That changed… That made me believe deeply in Kamma. And spiritual development, carrying over from life to life. Very important, that is. So, I try to meditate, try to find out more and more, try to develop more sensitivity to my own thoughts and feelings. And even when I was a boy, I wanted to read Pali books. Nobody taught me. I’ve never heard that. I want to go to a monastery and meditate. In my family, nobody do that. But I can’t resist that. This is something pulling me, pulling me.

So, I started doing that, even though I didn’t know how to do that. Without knowing how to do that, I just started doing that. So, you can get a very simple, basic instruction anywhere, any book or from any teacher. So, I read that in a book, and I had a friend who was a meditator. Maybe he’s still living. He gave me a very simple instruction: breathing in, breathing out. And then after a while, go through the whole body and see what you feel, whether it’s ache or pain or tightness or relaxation, whatever there might be. Try to feel the whole body. So, to feel the body and to feel the mind, how the mind feels, how the body feels, to be in touch with that. Very simple. I did that for six years. Just this simple exercise for six years. And that gave me very deep understanding. And slowly and slowly more thoughts and emotions come into my mind related to my past lives. And then when I became a monk, I meditated more and more deeply developed deeper samadhi. I recall more and more past lives, and I found out that I did many, many things in my past life: Many construction works, was a medicine man, was a teacher, was a farmer, was a father.

So, I thought I did all those things before. I don’t need to do that now. I want to do something better. If you don’t know that, then you want to do what others are doing. You imitate other people. Oh, those people are doing that. They have car, they have house, they have jobs, they have positions. But if you know why you are here and what you want to do, you do what you want to do. You don’t care what others say. You don’t compete with other people. This competition is wasting your life. Why compete with other people? Do what you really love doing. Give your life to it. This is what you are here for: To develop your inner qualities, to learn something.

So, I learned that life is a school. Since the day you were born until you die, you are in this school. Everything you experience all the time, anytime is a lesson and everything has a meaning. So, I read in a book one sentence very beautiful and profound. It says, “everything in this world has a hidden meaning”. It has many layers of meaning. Like whatever i read a sentence, I can see layers and layers of meaning, not just superficial meaning that you get from the first reading. If you really give your heart, you will find deeper and deeper and deeper meaning. So, if you know the bigger picture, then you don’t get lost. So, try to understand life or get a bigger picture, a wider scope. If you narrow down, it becomes meaningless. No matter what you become, a billionaire or a prime minister or a president, you will get old and die. You have to leave everything. Where’s the meaning?

Our energy. So, we have to learn to preserve, conserve our energy. So, they are talking about energy conservation these days. A lot of people talking about that. What about our mental energy and physical energy to conserve? We are wasting a lot of our mental and physical energy. Not just coal and petroleum and all that. Thinking too much is wasting energy. Running around too much is wasting energy, actually. So, make the best use of your time and energy. Strategy, methods to preserve our working ability, our energy, our presence, our sense of what life is all about and our very personality in the face of stress and worry… so, sometimes you see somebody very calm and peaceful and loving, very kind person. But when he becomes stressful, he becomes very angry and very hateful, very cruel person. So, stress makes you become a bad person. So, try to understand this and minimize your stress as much as possible by meditating, not to run away from work. Do what you are doing. You can do even more than what you are doing now. But if you learn to understand your mind and body, you can be calm and peaceful and relax and do. A lot of my friends are doing that. They are working even harder. Because life in Burma is not easy. You have to work very hard just to survive, not easy. Some of the people here know that. So, I think I have many more to say, much more to say. But it’s time to stop our talking here now because we have other things to do. So, we end with paying respect to the Buddha. And I’ll say this Pali sentence again, which means in Pali… Imaya dhammanu, dhamma pati-pattiya, buddham pujemi, which means I honor the Buddha by the very practice which leads to freedom and happiness. We are practicing that, hoping that this will lead to freedom and happiness. And just by this practice, we honor the Buddha. So, in Pali please we follow me.

• Imaya dhammanu, dhamma pati-pattiya, buddham pujemi.
• Imaya dhammanu, dhamma pati-pattiya, dhammam pujemi.
• Imaya dhammanu, dhamma pati-pattiya, sangham pujemi.
  

Viet Hung | A Happiness pursuer | Author of The Happiness Journal, Tản mạn về Hạnh phúc and NGẪM CAFÉ
Sách tôi dịch: Trái tim thiền Phật giáo, Thiền cho người mới bắt đầu, Nổi loạn và tự do, Bài chú giải Kinh Mangala Sutta, Sức mạnh của sự hoài nghi và thiền chánh niệm (Vipassana), Những nguyên lý để sống hạnh phúc, Chúng ta đang sống vì điều gì?, Sự cho đi và Tình thương yêu, “Lấy tâm mình làm bạn của chính mình”, Cảm xúc, Thiền với sự hình dung
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